When they don't fight

In the world we live, there are daily struggles, some are harder than others but we all have them, when those around us fight, we gain strength and we know we are not alone. We work together and we WILL get through it.

But when someone doesn't, ever, fight. We lose hope, we lose our ability to fight, "crying doesn't mean you're weak, it means you've been fighting too long" And it's true, we sometimes are not at our full strength, whether it's a 'low day' whether it's depression or whether it's just a bad day, but sometimes we are weakened by something and it's on those days we need our loved ones to help take the load a little, or even just pick up the slack. But when our loved ones are in a worse place than we are, then we are happy to pick up the slack, even if we're having troubles with our own load, we do it cause we love them. 

But when they don't stop. When they give you their troubles and don't fight at all, always not fighting, sometimes it becomes too much, and sometimes we can't do it any more..

What does that make us? 

Where does that leave us?
With a loved one we can't support as it's driving us further into our own hole from which we can't escape, 

We know they've gone to a dark place of their own, we understand they need help, but we've been fighting two battles for too long and right now we need a break and a respite.
Is that wrong? 

Does that make us bad?

Hopefully, one day, we can get back to a mutual place, but right now, personal space is needed.

Clutter and Negativity

Life is full of things, or at least that's what they tell us it's meant to be. A 'full life' is the eternal aim, the golden prize for the end of our time, the thing we're to reach for.

Here's my problem: I Like Air. 

That's my deep dark confession, and I don't mean air as in the stuff we breath (though it is pretty damn important) but as in space, the freedom to move, to grow, to be me. 

I find my 'full life' is in fact not full in a desirable way but in a cluttered way. My life is full of negativity and clutter and this is my problem, in following my dreams I forgot to leave air, and in that have been feeling 'growing pains' of late, in order to follow more than one dream, I've been forced into feeling like a 'split personality' just to satisfy the many routes I've attempted to take all at once. Oops. To full, too much Life.

So it's time for a change, I think it's best to start with the literal clutter. The quarter of my wardrobe I never wear, the shoes I don't use, the books I don't read. Then the metaphorical clutter, the activities I keep up from some long forgotten time when they were fun, the old ideals I stick to that no longer make sense, the plans I make out of habit not want.

Then there's those in life who create the negative clutter, some of them I love, but I must stop sharing plans, thoughts and dreams with them, for if I don't they will do their best (interntionally or otherwise) so squash them and make me into the person the believe I am. But I need to become who I am, not who others believe I should be but who I want to become. Meeting negativity at every turn is not going to help this and so I shall make my own path, clear of clutter, and free from negativity (or at least as much as possible).

When not fitting into the moulds of others is causing a problem, there's no point in trying to please others by making yourself unhappy. If they truly loved you then they will understand when you need to follow your own path sometimes, and if they don't understand then maybe they are part of the clutter? That may not mean that you need to completely lose them but just to be aware of how much of your space you share with them.

xx

Not all those who wander are lost

"All that is gold does not glitter" by J.R.R. Tolkein is an interesting poem,
But I'd agree with it, just because we wander, just because we search for something does not mean we are lost. We can go in search of new tides, new places, without losing the place at which we are moored, without losing our centre and the place to which we are bound.
Today I wandered, and recently I have been feeling lost, but only for I forgot to where I am moored, I forgot where I call home, in my search for somewhere new, something different, I forgot I had a place to call my own, and this place is the one to which I should return,
At least every once in a while.

"Deep roots are not touched by the frost" to make those roots takes time, and over time we can forget, but I remember now, I remember where I came from.

And as much as I'd like to think of myself as a bird, free from a nest and open to exploration, I need to land sometimes, and I need to go home. Even if just for a little while, I need to go back in order to be able to move forward,
Everyone needs a grounding point, and I've found it again, so from now on, here's to home.

When Time Catches Up With Us

When time catches up with us we can realise some important things about ourselves.

One of my main aims in the whole 'self-improvement'/'mood-improvement' things has been to make time for myself, and have free time! I notoriously hate free time, I've never known why, just that if I find myself with even an hour spare, I will get bored and find a way to busy myself. I've just never liked free time and even when I'm ill or have been doing something strenuous 7 days a week for weeks I can't take more than a day, maybe two, before getting incredibly bored and needing to find a way to busy myself.
But recently I've been deliberately trying to plan in free time to my schedule and this week I've found myself with 2 whole afternoons off (crazy I know, one's even been a Saturday!)
But now I find myself with free time, I know why I hate it. Some I've used to catch up on all the niggly things that always need done but there never seems time for. Once they're all done then...noting.
Not even sleep.
And there it is, I've discovered it! Why I hate free time: it is apparently a main cause of my insomnia. Yay. It's not just a personality type- my love of no free time. Apparently it's something I can't do, apparently the only way I can get to sleep is to literally mentally and physically run myself into the ground, and then, even then, I may not get to sleep. *sigh* If only life were simple (loljks I would hate that)(ps I promise never to use the phrase "loljks" again)

I saw something interesting on tv - talking about girls who like bad boys, how it's some kind of safety net. Subconsciously they know how it's going to end and that makes it safe. There's a guarantee of what's going to happen and that creates a safety around it.
This intrigued me, do I look for those I know are unsuitable because I know nothing can actually happen or do I just like a challenge.
Personally I feel I just like a challenge, and there's something fun in a challenge. But maybe there's something to be said for safe, secure and comfortable.
But then what if those kinds of guys don't like me?
Ha, had you going for a minute didn't I.
Lets be realistic, I really don't care. I feel no need to read into my choice of partner, male or female, because as long as I'm having fun and no one's getting hurt then there's no problem in life...

The Invisible Girl

She had thoughts and opinions, just like everybody else.
She had a reflection of her life in the mirror you see.
She got dressed each day, in clothes made of cotton.
And she ate when hungry, to keep her stomach going.

But when she spoke it was all "wrong, wrong, wrong"
She made the wrong noise, or no noise at all.
She didn't exist,
This invisible girl.
Except as a portrait,
Once painted by the world.

She was a 'colour by numbers',
Filled up to the brim.
By the impressions of others,
All proper, and prim.

They couldn't see who she was,
They saw only their work,
And so she couldn't exist,
Our invisible girl.

Her opinions and thoughts,
Were called 'false' and 'lies'.
She was told she was wrong,
In everyone's eyes.

She started to believe it,
Started to think like they did.
She lost her spark,
Her 'ness'

Our invisible girl.

One day she got out,
She spread her wings.
Flew to the forest,
Found the Shiny Things.

They said 'Who are you?'
She said 'Me? Oh no one,
I'm who they call the invisible girl.'
'But we see you.
Oh yes, yes we do.'

So no more could she be,
The invisible girl.
For now she was seen,
By this whole new world.

Someone new must she be,
Our visible girl.
Defined not by others,
But herself in this world.

So free and safe was our visible girl,
She forgot about the land,
Where the other hid.
She forgot who made
Our invisible girl.

The time came with snow,
She had to return,
The visible girl
To the Monsters run.

She remembered then,
Our invisible girl.
But couldn't hide,
From this world she knew.

So she battled on,
Until one day broken,
The clouds they parted,
And the sun, unspoken.

Beckoned her back,
To the land of the free.
From there she can once again become,
Our visible girl.

When the dust settles

It's been a week since I decided two things:
-To start thinking positively
-To not get upset/annoyed/angry with myself when I do not achieve this

How things are going:
I have had negative thoughts, but I've caught myself, and instead of getting into a spiral of negative thoughts about failing and having more negative thoughts. I've stopped and found a positive outlook on the initial thing about which there was a negative thought. The result? My first genuine smile and laugh (two separate occasions I might add) in a very long time.
This might not seem like much, but when you've been lost for so long, it's a wonderful and strange thing.
I cannot say that I am happy yet, but I am better and there is new hope and it is a slow journey, one in which I am certain there will be steps both forward and backward, but it is a journey and there is much life to be lived on that journey so I look forward to what will happen.

I also read a book and it gave me hope and made me feel like I wasn't alone: Hyperbole and a Half

That's all today, just that there is hope, there is an end, and one day we can reach it. But in order to get there we must accept imperfections and accept that we will get it wrong, but this is ok and isn't a bad thing, we will stumble through life but that's half the fun, the stumble is when we find our own limitations and discover new things we can do.

New Day

Today is a new day and with it I have decided on a new attitude, from now on positivity and positive outlooks on life.
If only it were this simple.
The negative thoughts and feelings become a cocoon, they became safe and known place to hide. They may not be bearable or plesant but they stop other unknown feelings, one's which you may not know existed and ones which can hurt and cut deep in a way you may not have known existed.
But also isn't that the point of life? That the light would be nothing without the dark, but that it can make it worth it?
Maybe that's the problem, maybe I haven't found my light yet, so all I am is surrounded by shadows. Well no longer. I can be my own light, and I can find my own way and face my own fears, whatever they may be.
All I have to do is get through the festive period with my own personal devil and if I can do that then I can do anything.

So here and now I declare it, I declare that I shall bring my own light, and I shall chase away my own shadows. I shall look positively on all situations and I shall recognise that this is neither an easy or quick thing to do but my time shall come and I shall get there, to a happier place. For maybe one day I can be free.

This to shall pass.

I guess what we do is we throw ourselves into the darkness, so deep and so far that we hope it cannot touch us, that it cannot reach us within it's depths. We aim to become immune, much like the clownfish and enenomi, by surrounding ourselves with darkness so much and for so long that it can no longer harm us. The problem is that whilst we become immune, and can no longer feel it effects, the effects are still there. Still corroding our inner selves till we are no longer able to return to the light for fear of what we might see. But I am no longer afraid, no longer shall  hide in the darkness, I shall come out into reality and hope to find my feet in the shining sun.

Or even just the shade, the shade would do for now, for a first step.